Ditto and i am glad you are soul searching and digging deep within and finding what is working for you

Congrats on your new job!!

Thank you!!

I have had no champagne! I think I ought. This is really a big change for me.

It will be a big rush to be ready. My first day is the 29th January, but I have a lot to do before then.

Tomorrow I have to be up very early to take my mum in for a small procedure in hospital, so it's goodnight from me now.

Generalized happy hugs to all.

Congrats on the Job!!! That is so exciting!

LOL!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

No wonder you're stressed! I can't imagine being a teacher You're stellar! Where's that champagne??? I recommend Möet et Chandon with the red stripe It's delicious and cheaper than Veuve Cliquot.

Thank- you !!

LOL at Curvie Girlie! If I win Lotto I will buy the Moet. (We did buy it once, Before Kids ). I guess I should have said an Aussie wine made by méthode champenoise, which is what I would buy - bit of a mouthful though and doesn't sound like what it's supposed to represent!

Yeah, teaching can be stressful. I'm hoping the extra interest of having my own class and proper responsibilities, plus the financial security, will balance the fact that I will have a lot more work to do and a lot more responsibility. I taught last year, but it was relief teaching. I worked most days from May onwards, and a lot of it was older primary school children which I find more boring as a relief teacher, and more aggravating.

When I realized that applying for work in the way I did, might be THE way to end up with a secure position and make the switch to a full-time job in the first year I felt free to do so (now that my youngest child is starting high-school), I wondered if it would be a wise decision because of the stress. However, that was outweighed by my sense that this was the moment - and that it might not come back. Also, by the end of the year, I had become so tired of the odd way I was working and the stress that entailed, that I became even more sure that I would love to make the change. Yeah, this way I work more but I decide a lot about how to operate. I know my hours and which kids will be in my day. I'm not constantly walking into classes and taking them over with inadequate preparation (the day I got to take around a cart full of science experiments that I wasn't familiar with, springs to mind), and I don't inherit unsafe procedures (the day the regular teachers kept leaving the door to the road unlocked when I had 5 year olds, springs to mind). I was glad to get so much work, and I kinda liked doing the science but I didn't get to feel good about HOW I did it (I decided not to go back to the unsafe school). I think it's reasonable to expect to feel better believing I have more control over the way I teach.

Right now I feel really happy about the new job, but I bet I end up finding it hard as, at times. (Well, actually it's pretty challenging already - and that's without students!) Regardless, no matter our choices, we don't get stress free lives, and my thoughts about overcoming the anxiety problem I've had, are that it is more about how I deal with it when it comes, than about avoiding it. I think what I get is what they call "generalized anxiety" - where the anxiety is maintained for its own sake independent of the issues. I get a sense that I can't relax because if I do the risks I'm concerned about will turn into monster problems. Putting it in words like that makes it clear that it's an irrational idea, but I wasn't articulating it like that - just feeling that I had to make sure I didn't forget something important, and that maybe I didn't deserve to deliberately remove the tension. It's not that I stress about nothing. It's more like I might stress even when there is a genuine alternative of recognizing the issues without getting wound up about them - which I see is another way of handling things. I don't do it every year - sometimes I'm calm about things that bug other people - but I did do it last year, a lot.

What I will need to watch out for is getting carried away (from time to time), with what I'm doing and not leaving myself enough time for de-stressing activities and sleep. Actually I'm pretty much in danger of that now. I'm not anxious, but I couldn't wind down to sleep last night and I had a very early start.

Crikey, if I listed it - right now waiting to get son from work and have a "chat" to him about a heavy issue I accidentally came across while he was out - piles of my own kids' new books all around me and of work materials and props to read and sort and get ready to take to school - not sure whether I can meet with my new principal tomorrow because I had already committed to take Mum home from hospital ... I shouldn't have started listing it!!!


I think I might go and do some physio and have a little meditative relaxation!

WOW Felici! You are back!! And congrats on the new job!!! *hugs*

The meditation has helped me loads, Im alot mellower and such and stress out less...

WOW I cant believe the youngest is starting/has started High school...kids grow up so fast everyones...lol...my youngest is starting kindergarten this year...

I wanna congrats you more on the fact that it sounds like this is a great opportunity for you and much better than were you came from prior (school)

I think about hard things/challenges this way...I think the hardest things to do are the right things and them being hard is the indication that it is right, there is no fun without a challenge, I mean if life and work were easy it would be boring, there is more gratification in working hard and reeping the rewards, which i have no doubt you will

Im glad you are back!

Right, right--lots of sparkling wines are great, I have met very few Aussie wines I didn't like

Sounds like you could benefit from relaxation techniques.....dare I suggest, Yoga? My mind is reeling just reading about what's going on in yours!

Ahhh! I love this expression!

Now you're talking!

... ...

Something has taken most of the caps out of my writing inside CG's quote. I put them in twice. LOL How weird.

Well so far today has turned out very nicely. My tummy hurts a lot (dunno why but I suspect just the aftermath of a couple of days with a bit less fibre - it's getting better), and that has kept my calories right down - but allowed me to eat a nice dinner and drink a celebratory drink.

Turns out my son was completely innocent wrt the incident which sparked our concerns - and I must be doing something right with the anxiety because when my husband came home from work he was heavy with the thought that we had to open the subject - and I had forgotten about it. My mum is now home safe and happy and looking after herself nicely. I have lopped the tops off a few mountains here - and I'm feeling good.

Aaand then again I don't have things under such good control as all that. Yesterday was busy with an unexpected trip back to hospital with mum (turned out ok) and shopping for her. Shopping was hard because the sore tummy had come back with a vengeance. By the evening I had eliminated all the possible everyday causes and most of organs that could have caused it and I was freaking. I don't freak for every time I'm sick, and I used to stay calm until a diagnosis was proven against me, but since the time I got cancer anything too weird has the potential to tip me over. I was absolutely calm about that through 4 weeks of appointments until I got a diagnosis, and even then I didn't believe I would need chemo until that was proven (3 weeks later) or radiotherapy till I was told for sure (another couple of weeks). (Then I freaked). Since then I need to know what's going on. If I do I'm cool but when I can't think of an okay reason for what's happening to me ... not so good.

This time I was partly just anxious that being sick from whatever it was, would cruel my start to the working year or even wipe it out. I did get the cancer just as I was about to start relief work the first year I was qualified, and I had a nasty thought in the hours after getting the news about this job. "We're secure now, we'll be okay" and then the nasty twist - "unless I get sick ..." Yuck - I was like, I am not going there, I am not having that thought, and kinda moved on - but then I got this stupid pain. At any rate, last night ended with a definite binge. I know I have to be able to take the times that I can't stop myself from getting anxious and then separate them from bingeing. I'm not there yet! Last night was a multiple whammy - at first tired and hurting and unable to rest (definitely looking for an upper) - and then sleeping despite it being the day time (a bit of a risk for me) - and then the anxiety.

At least the times I can't help being anxious are few now. Also, every time I binge and stop (like last night), I know that's better than times when I binged and didn't stop. I'm even grateful for the fact that it's been a long time since I would keep eating even when it already hurt - that really is self hate I think.

This morning I woke up and at first I thought I felt enough better that I wouldn't make a Sunday morning visit to the doctor. (We are so lucky to even have a practice open). Then I realized it was better but not over and decided I wasn't up for a repeat of last night. It turned out to be nothing much, of course! Just something I'd never considered. Some of my tummy muscles separated a tad when I was pregnant and that area had become inflamed for some reason. I was soooo relieved.

New topic.

I ate ok today. When I got the job my husband said he would take over the cooking (and some of the shopping). I don't know if I exactly agreed, but I do need help to have enough time to do everything. Tonight he wanted to cook grilled pork, baked beans and chips. I said chips might not be so great so he said he'd make me mashed potato. Cool, and I said I might add a bit of salad - cos I feel like I need a few more veges. Well, my idea of a mashed potato for myself is that it is cooked, sat on my plate and squashed. His is a bit more elaborate. There was a mountain of it, and my baked beans were on top of it - hard to separate.. :S

So we had a little chat. I think I started too frankly - but added some praise and gratitude and I think we got somewhere - at least as far as plain potatoes go. This is going to be tricky though. I don't even like him buying the tomatoes ... I reckon I am going to have to put a bit of effort in here - it will take some ongoing communication about what really matters and some tolerance about what doesn't. Probably all good for me.

Whew. Bingeing is a tough habit to control; I still don't have it firmly in hand. One thing I use to control the damage (a crutch, but better than nothing) is to load up on veggies and/or fruit. It helps keep the intake a bit more healthy, even if the quantity is large, but it's a last ditch thing.

As for wine.. I <3 Aussie wines, too! I wonder if it is because they are sweeter than my local wines, any thoughts on the matter?
The really strange thing for me is I like Pinot Grigio better than anything else in the realm of vino (except possibly Amontillado sherry). Green grapes are good, dangit!

On the topic of cancer, I just hope you get through it with the fewest problems and zero complications. I'll think positive thoughts at you.

'Grats on the new job!

Binge Eating.
I can see how the vege thing might work if I felt like it was time for me to try and fight a binge. I'll keep that in mind.

I don't have the way to deal with it for myself down pat - but I reckon the progress I've made is real and solid. I'd say I've always binged at times but before I joined here and had that long stretch of careful eating and weight loss, I didn't perceive my bingeing for what it was. I called it pigging out or something - I saw it as cosy, pleasant, normal and fattening. Whenever I tried to lose weight I just considered those excesses to be similar to any other fattening habit. Eventually I heard about ideas like "sugar addiction" which was a helpful concept but I didn't associate the word binge - as in binge disorder (which I'd never heard of), with me.

It wasn't until a bunch of stuff related to going on holiday threw me off my tight eating schedule, mountains of veges and on-line writing habit and support, that I started bingeing again. And I didn't recognize it then either - I saw it as holiday overeating, and a return to the old "relax = read a novel and eat" pattern, I'd had. But I never really got clear of it after that.

However, it was different from before in that it was the most intense and painful patch of eating I'd ever been through and in that I was so much more aware. So changing from that has been something I've done with a lot more awareness and information this time. I hope and believe that will make the difference and get me over it. Making progress is important and that's happening so I feel okay about it now.


Cancer.

Thanks for the positive thoughts. They might have zinged back and helped me before you knew.

I haven't had any active cancer for almost 8 years. I don't really think about it at all usually. I've freaked out just 3 times since then. Once for a lump, once for a sore knee and now for my sore stomach. It's never been ANYTHING to freak about. I tell myself I should be able to go back to just considering the odds and reserving my emotion for when I'm sure. Cos my odds are the same as the rest of the population now - nice and low. After this, I'm also telling myself that in future I should be able to remind myself about these 3 times that turned out to be nothing, but I don't know if those ideas will ever really work for me again. On the other hand, if I have only 3 bad nights in 8 years - I guess it doesn't matter too much.

Aussie Wines.
LOL! Curvie Girlie will know better than me about comparing wines across countries I reckon. I haven't drunk much that isn't Australian. To me Australian wines all taste different to each other - some sweeter and some not. I'll have to keep an eye out for this Pinot Grigio. I'm not familiar with it. I prefer a medium dry white - what we might call a classic white, maybe a Chardonnay or Semillon/Chardonnay. But I like heaps of different wines - red and whites. I don't really drink a lot though. Fortunately! I don't need any extra habits to try and reign in.

New Job
Thanks! I'm going to check out the new school tomorrow. I'm kinda scared, kinda excited. I'm trying to channel towards excited - cos it feels better and looks better! Kinda thinking about butterflies in my stomach as a good thing cos I need them for energy and sparkle. Also, I have a plan of imagining I'm someone else who is confident for the times when I'm not actually confident myself. (I've tried it on my own kids and another couple of things lately and it worked. )

Nice thing.
I found another nice thing for relaxing lately. I've been reading novels. I have mostly forbidden myself from them the last couple of years because I always always read them at the same time as eating unlimited amounts of snacks (and I did read thousands). The times I didn't were the times I started binging again - on the New Zealand holiday and last summer when I was camping. However, when I started making progress again this summer I told myself that I wanted to be able to do things like watching tv and read without triggering a binge and that I would practice. Watching tv is still a bit hard - I can't handle it if the show's boring and someone else wants me to watch. However, I've read 5 fat novels since December and I don't remember binge eating for any of it. That's pretty cool because reading can be a great way to switch myself off from something that I need to stop being anxious about.

Nice thing 2
My weight is still going down. Slowly but surely.

Felici, You are such a positive and strong woman. Truly admirable.

TV is rough. I try to watch ONLY prerecorded stuff, or "on demand" shows, because then I can fast forward the commercials.

Wines. Don't tell anyone I drink wine; it's unmanly.

ENjoy visiting your new school, how exciting, i hope it is a smooth visit and it can ease some anxiety

Novels - really you had them hand in hand with snacking, WHen I read it is all I do, it is a preoccupied fantasy world I get swept into, I dont read a,ot becuase the time i should be sleeping im reading and cuz im always too tired...but I finally picked up my 4th and final book in a series I have been reading.I tool a break from them cuz Im just always so tired and cuz I really truly get wrapped up in them