I definitely had a lack of interest in salad today. Even my lunch time tomato was tart! I need to stay in love with my salads though. I bought some vine ripened tomatoes, instead, cost extra but the smell is divine. Like being in a vege garden. Also I made myself a full 2 serves of potatoes (in my plan but I don’t often bother). (Overcooked them though, so I ate 1 ½! )Also I wrote my dinner down in restaurant language. The truth is, it really was as delicious as it sounds.

I just tried to update my signature and the rules seemed to have changed. Now a maximum of 3 lines. Maybe it’s better recording more against the day anyhow. I keep forgetting if I’ve done it or not and have to count it up on the calendar again!

I have started making a list of all the weight loss methods I have tried. I won’t post it yet because I keep remembering more!!

Breakfast ~ 8:30 1 slice wholemeal toast, 1 tspn margarine, 1 tspn strawberry jam, 1 boiled egg. 2 weetbix, Splenda, 1 C SoGood, 1 C coffee with 50ml Hi-Lo milk Lunch ~ 1:00 2 Salada wholemeal crackers (8 squares), 20 gm hard cheese, 1 tomato, 1 carrot, 1 small peach . Snack 6:00 1 stick of celery ~ ½ tspn lite french onion dip Dinner: 7.55 120 gm fresh bream, dipped in eggwhite and flour and pan fried in 1 tbspn virgin olive oil, with a sqeeze of fresh lime juice, 2 small microwaved jacket potatoes, cos lettuce, baby spinach, 1/4 red capsicum, 1 medium mushroom, 5 sugar snap peas, ¾ cucumber, ½ stalk celery, ½ vine ripened tomato, 2 tbspn sliced olives. Balsimic vinegar. ½ cup black grapes. Tub of apricot diet yoghurt. Exercise: 6:30 pm 37 min brisk walk. Water: 2500ml Bedtime: 11:30
On plan:17 days . Achieved food target: 16 days . Exercised: 11 days . All goals: 5 days

looks like you've got it down! great job and keep up the good work!

Well, I sure like that thought, fsaiidni. When I see my list of unsuccesses I understand why I am less confident than I would be if this was my first or second attempt. Now I look at them all I think I might just put them away for a couple of years. Not very inspirational at the moment.

Right now though. I am doing well.

Oh oh. I just had a thought. My immediate family, me, husband kids, are going to my mum's for afternoon tea on this Sunday. For Christmas. Not a massive Christmas event but important to her. I know she has sweet things planned. It is one thing to have a day off my plan for Christmas but I have three special family Christmas eating things to go to this year and they are all on different days! She already told me very firmly that she doesn't want me to bring anything. Well she said she'll have cheeses - so that's what I'll eat. If I have breakfast late, I can have a vege snack first and her afternoon tea can be the rest of my lunch. I don't know about having anything sweet at all yet. Maybe it will be all right if I plan it in advance and stop at one thing? It will still be an easier thing to recover from than the following weekend - 2 special meals one day after the other + leftovers in the fridge! OK. My current plan is, stop at one sweet thing. Be organized about the evening meal afterwards. Go back on a strict plan til the next weekend and walk extra. I don't plan on never ever having a sugary food again. I am a bit scared - like it might be an alcoholic's first drink.

Mum told me more about her menu today. I am definitely having a passionfruit eclair. Then I am definitely going back on plan till Christmas Eve.

This will NOT be like the morning tea that derailed 4 weeks of care two years ago. That was unexpected. This is planned. (LOL) I do have to be determined though.


Breakfast ~ 10:30 1 slice wholemeal toast, 1 tspn margarine, 1 tspn strawberry jam, 1 boiled egg. 2 weetbix, Splenda, 1 C SoGood, 1 C coffee with 50ml Hi-Lo milk Lunch ~ 4:00 An egg flip (1 C milk, 1 egg, beaten together and topped with nutmeg, 1 C tomato juice, 2 Salada crackers (8squares) . Dinner: 9:15 Veal parmigana, asparagus and roast vegetables. 150gm veal, 10 gm parmesan, 2 tbspns oil, 4 fresh asparagus, 2 small potatoes, 1 carrot, 1 small piece pumpkin. (Roast veges just smeared with olive oil), 1 tomato, ½ cup black grapes. Tub of apricot diet yoghurt. Exercise: 7:30 pm 15 min brisk walk. Water: 2250ml Bedtime: 1:30
On plan:18 days Achieved food target: 17 days Exercised: 12 days All goals: 5 days

Today was hot (38.8 degrees Celsius - nearly 102 degrees Fahrenheit) and busy with shopping. My daughter wanted to come with me for some of it and as it was getting close to lunch time by the time I had finished my morning chores, we got it ready and packed it into plastic bags. I would have carried it like that but she wanted to use a pretty lined basket I had been given and carried it quite happily. I did a little (unsuccessful) shopping in a tourist area – a boardwalk with shops on it over the ocean and we had our picnic at a little table in the shade next to the beach. That was the good bit of the day.

In the afternoon I took a litre of water with me shopping elsewhere, but drank it all before I was finished and felt thirsty for a little while trying to see where to buy more without going out of my way. Eventually I bought some from an éclair stand that I had carefully not even looked at for more than a tenth of second earlier. I didn’t really want an eclair though. Still it did make me think that I definitely want the one I planned for tomorrow ! I see people eating and drinking unhealthy stuff everywhere at the shops but that doesn’t make me want what they have. I just think that they are making a mistake and feel glad that I don’t feel compelled to make the same one. I think that might be different if I was actually hungry while I was shopping. It kind of bothered me that I ran out of water though because I was feeling tired and I know that feeling thirsty can end up seeming like feeling hungry.

In the evening each of the others in my family wanted something different from the video store that could only be used on the (one) TV in the family room. I negotiated who would get what then went with the children, and chose a couple of movies for my husband. I was getting pretty grumpy by then. I don’t really know why. Just cross that I needed to sort out the sharing I suppose, and that no one was prepared to give up much out of what they wanted, plus I didn’t feel like it was fair that I wasn’t getting a video I was interested in but still had to chose one for my husband. Though now this doesn’t strike me as being worth getting upset about.

When we got home I started trying to do something on the computer. My husband was cooking. We had discussed the meal earlier in the day and I thought it was safe enough though I wondered if I might need to make myself some extra salad. I thought I would try it first and see. However, my daughter wanted me to watch her video with her. I didn’t want to. I told her that and I told my husband that, but then he said he thought I should at least watch some of it while we were eating. He didn’t want to eat his own dinner until later. So I agreed, but then the movie kept sticking, and I finished eating my food and realized that I felt like having more. I felt like TV food. I had ended up, eating a meal I hadn't actually prepared myself, watching a long movie on a Saturday night, with no preparation for how to deal with it probably giving me cravings, and I was also missing my walk time. With the DVD not playing properly I lost whatever patience I had left and got up, told my husband curtly, that I think movies make me want to overeat and I don’t especially want to watch them and don’t have time because I need my walk, and took the dog for a walk instead.

I was really angry. I think ultimately I was angry with myself. I kept thinking things like I don’t want getting angry to stop me from getting healthy, and that I couldn’t expect to not have any negative emotions or stressful times, all the way till I had lost weight, and that other people managed while they were dealing with much worse issues, and that I have to expect to just slog it out sometimes when my feelings aren’t helping, but also feeling like I was too cross to bother doing anything effortful, or care what happened. I was worrying that Christmas was going to turn in to one long stresser, being in situations that will make it hard to stay on track, hard to be the one in control. After Christmas I have my birthday, then a wedding and then New Year as potential banana skins. That is no way to think about them is it? They are for celebrating! About half way through the walk I noticed that I was feeling full, not hungry, and that I still care a lot about being healthy, and noticing nice things around me, weird shaped gum nut caps, and little groups of galahs all over the oval...

Then I came home and had a shower, talked to girl, did housework, talked to boy, did housework. Right now I feel kind of ok and have eaten less than I intended instead of more. The eating is on track, the exercise is on track. I’m late to bed again, but not too badly. I don’t see why I was so angry really. I think it is a control thing. I have never had much natural inclination to try to control other people, but I care a lot about being able to control my own life. I am wary of telling myself to just tough things out because I feel that I have overestimated how much I can achieve by determination alone, at times in the past and prefer not to test myself unnecessarily. I don’t think today was unnecessary testing though. I think it was necessary testing. Sometimes things are tiring or tricky and no amount of planning can make them smooth. So today, I still had enough options left for getting my needs met and stayed on plan. Sometime in the future that won’t happen, and my needs won’t be met and I will have to tough it out, or I will have to deviate from the plan, but stay anxious to return to it asap.

LOL tomorrow the eclair test!

Breakfast ~ 7:30 1 slice wholemeal toast, 1 tspn margarine, 1 tspn strawberry jam, 1 boiled egg. 2 weetbix, Splenda, 1 C SoGood, 1 C coffee with 50ml Hi-Lo milk Lunch ~ 12.30 picnic with my daughter. , 2 Salada crackers (7squares) with a little light cheese and tomato, 1 carrot, 1 nectarine . Dinner: 7:00 150gm grilled lean lamb ¾ cup mashed potato, minted zucchini, Exercise: 7:37pm 35 min brisk walk. Water: 3000ml Bedtime: 12:15
On plan:19 days Achieved food target: 18 days Exercised: 13 days All goals: 5 days

sounds like you had quite the day. lol.

I passed the eclair test!

Well I’m happy about how my food panned out today. I was rushed and so didn’t eat the veges I’d planned to have before I went out for this afternoon tea, and when I first got there and saw the little chocolate slices I stopped thinking about how little I could deviate from my plan and started thinking about how much I could deviate!! I was pretty hungry by the time we started and everything was too high in fat to eat a bunch of – plus that would have been inappropriate for the scenario. Anyway I had planned not to eat anything sweet until the end, and waited until I had stopped feeling actually hungry to have the little cream puff thing. I don’t think it would have added much more sugar to my diet than the little bit of jam I have every morning. I certainly didn’t end up with any cravings, which is very heartening.

We had take away for dinner. I can see a number of healthy options these days – I thought I might have had a noodle soup, or Subway, but ended up buying a couple of pieces of Portugese skinless chicken from Red Rooster. I decided not to bother with their potatoes (cause how cooked?) or salads (cos not enough salad for the money), and came home and popped a potato in the microwave and grabbed a bowlful of salad veges that I didn’t bother to cut up but none-the-less enjoyed.

I went for my walk before breakfast because the weather is hot and I thought having it in the morning would make sure nothing disrupted it later in the day. I got up a bit late though so it was still pretty hot by the time we got back – my dog was slowed down too!! I really need to put more effort in on more of the bedtimes.

It was a good day. Everyone was very nice to everyone and presents were well received all round. I have been playing Cryptic Christmas Carols on line and having fun and I feel content.

Breakfast ~ 9:30 1 slice wholemeal toast, 1 tspn margarine, 1 tspn strawberry jam, 1 boiled egg. 2 weetbix, Splenda, 1 C SoGood, 1 C coffee with 50ml Hi-Lo milk Afternoon Tea ~ 3:00 A little piece of sausage roll, a toast square, about 5 Jatz crackers, creamed cheese dip (2 bits), Blue Castello (2 bits), pate (2 bits), pesto (2 bits) 1 small passionfruit éclair, 2 cups white coffeeSnack: 5:30 1 stalk celery, 1 carrot Dinner: 7:15 2 pieces of skin free Portugese, Red Rooster chicken, 1 microwaved potato, 1 capsicum, 1 carrot, 1 stick celery, 1 carrot, Tub of apricot diet yoghurt. Exercise: 8:30 am 37 min moderate speed walk. Water: 25000ml Bedtime: 11:25 (well it's a bit closer to 11:00 )
On plan:20 days Achieved food target: 18 days Exercised: 14 days All goals: 5 days

sounds like you are on the right track!!! keep up the good work =-) and keep passin those tests!!!

Another good day. I reckon I actually did a fair bit of work, shopping - housework etc – I was hungry in the afternoon and tired before dinner. I actually wanted to rest then but didn’t have time, so I just had the little snacks, and made dinner, and by the time I sat down to eat I wasn’t really tired any more. I ended up having my walk a bit too late, the street lights came on before I’d gone too far. As I left home there were cockatoos making their evening din and by the time I was on the way home there were frogs croaking everywhere. I don’t really understand how there can be so many frogs when we’re not close to a lake – they must spawn in people’s pools and fish ponds.

I knew I would be late to bed tonight because The Biggest Loser finale was on and it didn’t finish until 11.30. I was surprised because it was the one other people were watching in America just a week or two back. I thought our programming would have been a lot further behind. Anyway, I had tons of salad in the fridge – I was too full to eat it but I had figured it would be backup if I got the TV watching munchies. I didn’t need it though. I was too interested in the show – plus doing washing in the adverts. It was amazing and inspiring. I was interested also in how differently I felt about it than the last time I saw a finale like that. Last time was an Australian version and I had actually watched all the episodes. I found the finale very interesting and moving – but I felt like it was very much removed from my life. I don’t do their punishing exercise routines, and I’m not trying for rapid weight loss, but now I feel like the experiences of those people have a lot in common with those of other people on this forum and with what I want to for myself. It’s too soon for my weight to have changed much but I’m really noticing the difference in my attitude to food and exercise. It’s a good change. I wonder why it took me so long to make it.

Breakfast ~ 8:30 2 slices wholemeal toast, 2 tspn margarine, 1 tspn strawberry jam, vegemite spread, 1 boiled egg, 1 C SoGood, 1 C tomato juice, 1 C coffee with 50ml Hi-Lo milk Lunch ~ 12.00 1 cob corn, 2 soya and linseed corn thins, 1 stalk celery, 1 carrot, ~ 90 gm cottage cheese mixed with 1 small nectarine . [B]Snacks[/B: 3:30 2 Premium crackers 5:00 1 C soy milk 6:30 10 sugar snap pea pods Dinner: 7:40 2 pieces skinless fat trimmed chicken thighs, Rissoto (1 C basmati rice, mushrooms, zucchini, onion, olive oil, a little hard cheese), a little salad (3/4 C?) (lettuce, tomato, carrot, cucumber, olives) 1 nectarine. Exercise: 8:20 pm 35 min moderate paced walk. Water: 2750ml Bedtime: 12:30
On plan:21 days Achieved food target: 19 days Exercised: 15 days All goals: 5 days

It is a mystery why we wait so long to make our changes (usually ill heath is our motivator) but I'm like you in that regard, the change feels so good it's hard to ever consider letting ourselves go back to that old 'unchanged' person.

Your diary inspires me through your dedication to tell it the way it happens. I think it's great when people speak of all the highs and lows on their journey. I almost sense your diary as being therapeutic for you - as it should be, right ??

i love the biggest loser! those shows inspire me to keep going, and stay motivated! great job with the positive attitude, just keep focused and on the right track and you'll be that much closer to your goal =-)

I have tried to change many times before. I think when I was younger I might have hoped to diet quickly and then change to something healthy - but never quite got past the lack of decent food to start off with. Then the past few years I've tried to change but always to something I didn't think was really "normal" - I thought it was something special I needed. Currently I feel like what I am doing IS normal, or should be, and that what I was doing previously is what was strange.
Oh my diary is 100% therapeutic for me!! I also want it to track all the factors that might be keeping me on track, or show where I started to go off track, if (when?) that happens, because I have learnt from some of my old failures, and I'm not sure right now what it might be that I still have to learn.

In the last few years there were two times that I made changes I totally expected to last. One was my no cow's milk change. I believed it could stop my cancer returning so I was meticulous with it. Like milk was poison. It cut out such a lot of high sugar food that it made me lose weight, but I hunted as hard as I could for replacements that contained fat and sugar, but not milk, and I don't remember trying to exercise. Anyway, after one whole year I was stuck in hospital for 2 weeks having plastic surgery. The food was good, but I couldn't control it much, my choices were limited by the no milk thing and after the first week all the menus recycled (=boring). Then my sister bought me chocolates, to be kind. And I got mobile enough to find the vending machine. And I thought that since the poison was in me anyway , there wouldn't be any difference between a little bit and whole bunch all at once, and that I would start again tomorrow. Well the next tomorrow after this one. Well I would start again next week - better eat fast because starting again next week!!! etc. Also I had found out some things that made me less sure about the no milk thing anyway.

The other time was a high fat no sugar diet that I was going to take the fat out of once I had the sugar under control. Also I was dancing for exercise. I lasted four weeks and while it was going well I didn't feel tempted at all and I did feel like another person. A better person. Then, it was hard to eat all the fibre/food while I was working and lacked time, my knee started playing up badly (this is when I first found out it isn't in such good shape now), but the worst thing was this unexpected extra special morning tea at work with masses of fantastic looking little sweet things that normally aren't available - AND THAT I MIGHT NEVER SEE AGAIN!! Anyway I just had a little, but it was like that first chocolate, not planned, not controlled, and I kept saying the exact same things I said about the no milk - let's squash in as much of this sugary stuff as possible before starting again. Mistress of internal doublethink = felici.

Yeah. So writing things down does tend to throw doublethink into relief I hope. I also think that the idea that someone else might read it might make me a little less likely to try to bullshit myself. I hope I would at least notice that what I was saying sounded like rubbish, or didn't match up to what I'd said before - or that someone else might remind me.

Thank you for listening!!

Yes. The show is inspiring. I find the biggest losers on here inspiring too - and they're here every day!! How good is that!

Thanks for your comments. I do find them helpful. It's so good to feel in touch with other people who have a losing attitude too.

I totally agree with you. This diary is very therapeutic, and it should be for everyone. just wondering.. but what did you have plastic surgery on? Was it a bad experience? and what were you in the hospital for, for such a long time? if its too personal.. just tell me and i'll butt out.

I hope you keep using this forum for support, thats what we're all here for.. we all need to support eachother to reach all of our goals.

I know what you meant by not really being able to stick to something. me and my boyfriend dan have tried to be on diets together before. I have had such a low self-esteem for such a long time. but we'd stay on the diet until we were hungry, and then would pig out! But i finally found this forum and got tired of feeling so badly about myself. So i am trying to stay on the diet. and i got advice about when i cheat on my diet and want to go back on.. not to consider it restarting.. and more of re-committing. I realized we all have to recommit ourselves everyday.

I had breast reconstruction when I had surgery for breast cancer. However the first lot didn't work out and so I had the surgery I mentioned above - which was a lot more successful. I don't have any issues talking about it though maybe some people might have issues reading about it. The kind of surgery I had is called latisimuss dorsi flap reconsctruction. It's quite a big operation and I was a bit slow to recover, and because of the problems I had the first time I was a bit reluctant to go home until I was sure I was safe.

Walked late again today. I know I will need to up the ante on these walks. I think it would be good to go early in the day. The late walk tonight was gorgeous – fed and happy, pretty much finished my duties for the day. Wonderful sunset, birds singing like crazy (honeyeaters and finches mainly I think). Only I do run the risk of forgetting until it’s too late, or somehow missing out. It would be better to go in the morning and then if I want I could do another one in the evening.

Tomorrow is my weigh day. I want to go to bed on time to make sure I’m up bright and early. Hmm. Better not walk first or that will put my pattern out.

Breakfast ~9:45 1 slices wholemeal toast, 1 tspn margarine, 1 tspn strawberry jam, 1 boiled egg, 1 C SoGood, 1/2 C tomato juice, 1 C coffee with 50ml Hi-Lo milk Lunch ~ 3.00 Eggflip - 1 C soy milk, 1 egg beaten, nutmeg. 1C tomato juice. 4 Premium crackers Dinner: 7:20 Salmon pasta (1C pasta, 130 gm tinned red salmon, green olives, onion, 2 tomatoes, parsley), a medium salad (1 C?) (lettuce, tomato, carrot, cucumber, olives). Snack 10:00 1C watermelon Exercise: 8:20 pm 35 min moderate paced walk. Water: 2250ml Bedtime: 11:00
On plan:22 days Achieved food target: 20 days Exercised: 16 days All goals: 5