i have no idea but i kinda feel i just entered in an alley where everyone is friendly and want to help. now even though i am communicative and all i still feel a bit shy so i chose a corner of the street to use for my thoughts. if anyone wants to join for a cup of coffee, tea or just for a cup of talk is more than welcome
i can't beleive i'm starting my diary. that work is a bit stressing me. maybe because i never knew how to write a diary... i immediately get confused.

on "On Topic" i wrote i need help. and i do. i started a new chapter in my life. i stopped running away from all the reasons that keep me from achieving my goals. this is also the reason why i wrote motivations for losing weight but also the reasons why not. this took some time but now i know what i need to work on. I actually found this kind of test online, so i'm just copying the results which are all very true in my case.

MOTIVATIONS FOR LOSING WEIGHT:

• prevent future health problems.
• be able to breathe better.
• sleep better.
• move better.
• fit into clothes better.
• have a sense of accomplishment and control.
• have more energy.
• be more attractive to other people in general.
• prove to people I can lose weight.
• inspire others to do the same.
• have a better self-esteem.
• relieve some of my moodiness, depression or anxiety.
• make some hard decisions about the course of my life.
• make my life feel like its going somewhere.
• have more day-to-day fun.
• better handle the ups and downs of life.
• be more independent.
• be less critical of myself.
• be more free of doubts and fears.
• feel more deserving of the good things I have in life.
• shed some of my shyness or discomfort around people.


Ok now these are all good things. now i will put here also the other side (the dark side), the one where that worm in your head is telling you you can't do it. well guess what worm I CAN!!!

THE WORM AND HIS STATEMENTS:

• food is my best friend and I don't think I can give up eating the
way I do.
• I need food to get rid of my negative feelings.
• food calms me down when I'm angry or frustrated.
• when I'm lonely food makes me feel better.
• food is one of the only things that can keep me occupied when I'm
bored.
• since I can't be perfect it feels like there's no point to dieting.
• it helps me quiet my inner-critic.
• I just love junk food and the feeling it gives me.
• overeating is the only way I know how to make myself stop feeling
empty inside.
• I am always taking care of everyone and food is my reward.
• I have regrets about my unfulfilled potential and eating helps me
deal with it.
• food feels like my protection.
• I don't want anybody or anything to stop me from eating what I
want.
• being overweight is my way of getting back at someone.
• being overweight makes me feel safe.
• food, or being overweight, excuses me from challenging myself.
• being overweight protects me from unwanted sexual attention.

So my goal is to get rid of these bad things the worm is telling me.

i don't know whether i will always write my thoughts here, but i will use this space to express my anger when necessary, yell and cry if i have cravings. hopefully something good will eventually come out of it.

Well good luck! I hope you find all the support you need on here!!

Quote:

• food calms me down when I'm angry or frustrated.

Truth. I'm glad you have joined our little group here. It seems like you are really organized with your thoughts and goals and that is a great thing.

*passes you a cup of taro milk tea with boba's.*

not really organized, that site organized it for me. i just stared at the screen and couldn't believe that all my thoughts were actually there, after several minutes of clicking. that site is some kind of introduction to online therapy, but that part was free. and those were the lists that came out for me.

and thank you so much for the welcome and support.

just to write what i ate today:

breakfast: cornflakes with low-fat yogurt
lunch: brown-rice with meat-balls (rather small portion-less than half of what i would usually eat - GOOD FOR ME!)
around 5 pm - half of banana and an apple
after-only water, and one cup of tea, no sugar

anyway now i'm hungry, but i won't have anything to eat. i'll just drink some water.

P.S. just a question - is it ok for me to address certain people in my life with things i can't say to them here? or yell at them? its just that some things that they do cause me to lose control, and since i can't yell at them can i do it here?

Why not? Yell away! Vent Away!

ok here i go..plug your ears. i'll try not to curse.

I WISH I NEVER EVER SO YOU, EVER MET YOU. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME, YOU SELFISH SON OF A.... AA I WISH I COULD KICK YOU AND KICK YOU ALL THEY LONG. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ON THIS PLANET YOU ARROGANT BASTARD!!!!!!!!! I HOPE I NEVER EVER SEE YOU AGAIN YOU DIRTBAG! MANIAC THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! I WAS ONLY 9 YOU IDIOT. THERE ARE NO CURSES IN ENGLISH LANGUAGE THAT ARE VULGAR ENOUGH FOR YOU! SCUM!

Ok enough for today this was instead of a sandwich

Heya's Welcome and goodluck to ya! You had some really good
reason's for losing those are my reasons to along with my main
reason getting out this summer dressing compfy and having fun
with my kids,we missed out on swimming,camping,amusement
parks,ect do to depression and I spent my summer as a house
hermitt except the few kids b-day parties I attended!
Anyway I wish ya all the luck and you can do it,I am doing a low
calorie diet 1200-1300 =3 meals 2 snacks lots of water and it seems
to be treating me fine and it's healthy also.Have a gr8 day,Tammy

I'm thinking some Earl Grey hot with some lemon..... You sit there I'll get it...

Now

Welcome.
Don't ever be afraid to vent in here it's your diary after all. The frustration of being overweight is a huge thing and venting is a good way of handling it. Should it be toward people, they probably deserved it right? I think alot of us are on low calorie diets so just adapt a diet to you and what works for me is to talk when I feel like eating for no reason.

Thanks for the tea.

LOL HUG!!!

Nice vent!

And hey...if anyone asks...just tell them you have Tourettes!

good morning to you all

back at work after holidays and two days off. can you believe they actually made me come to work on friday. where's their holiday spirit? one more day wouldn't kill them.
but since i have nothing to do, because noone's here i'll spend some time with you, just watching you from my chair in the corner here, drinking coffee (that's imaginary coffee btw,i'm drinking water hehehe).

thanx for the welcome. and feel free to drop in any time.

P.S. you can vent here also if you wish

Congratulations on the good start! Too bad about work, but if it makes you feel any better, it's 3am here and I'm at work, too.

hey all

txturtlegirl hope you had some good days rest by now its 5pm here and this is time i usually start visiting my former best friend the refrigirator, so to instead of that i came here. today was a good day, i was so proud going home from work, and i even had to do several things and i didn't make any stops to fast food restaurants which are all over the place, with pizzas and hamburgers. i just started to think about it as cigarettes or drugs which are now forbidden to me. and i just walked by. it was hard but the worm didn't prevail

Happy New Year everybody

i didn't write for several days, i was out all the time really enjoying myself. i wasn't following my diet, but i wasn't overeating either until today. i don't know what came into me. now i'm full of guilt and trying to understand why i did it. i think i was bored or something, and i'm also sick, and when i'm sick i feel depressed. someone should punch me in my face.

maybe i shouldn't let this get to me. i really need to start paying attention to myself and my eating habits. can someone tell me how to start changing the way i think? do i have to stand infront of a mirror telling myself that i don't need food to feel better.


ok... now some venting. plug your ears:


I HATE YOU YOU WORM. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO COME INTO MY MIND AND DESTROY EVERY POSITIVE THOUGHT INSIDE ME. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO COME AND SMOOTHTALK ME INTO EATING. SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT UP¸!!!! SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME ANYTHING!!! YOU STUPIF F#$#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate when things like this happen. i was supoosed to start thai-bo tomorrow, exercise for the first time in loooooooooooooooong time and now i'm sick. i have really bad cold, i can't even speak, there is no sound.

anyway, i was good today. for breakfast i had kellogs low fat cereal with low fat yogurt. for snack i had two integral cookies and yogurt with i don't know how you say it in english, i think its wheat-germ, but i have no idea if the translation is good. and for lunch i had brown rice with meat and cabbage salad.

i don't know if i'll have dinner because i had lunch at 4pm.

i woke up today with lots of positive energy. the only problem is that i'm still sick so i can'tdo any workout. i'm at work right now, i really didn't want to stay at home and spend the day in bed. i couldn't sleep well anyway, so why not do something useful.

for breakfast i had kellogs special with low fat yogurt, and pice of wallnut cake with coffee (probabily shouldn't have taken that one). for snack i plan to drink probiotic yogurt.

for lunch i will have (hopefully) chicken breasts marinated i soya sauce and baked on small amount of sunflower oil, with vegetables first cooked and then just put them in pan where i baked meat so they take those flavours. and probabily some kind of salad to go with that. i thought of taking one small piece of brown bread but i don't think i should considering the fact that i had a piece of cake this morning.
hopefully this plan will work.