(Please note: This diary might not be pretty. I'll be facing things that I don't even want to face. blah.)

Maybe I ought to start by saying...this is going to be the most difficult, yet rewarding, journey of my life. My family doesn't know what's going on, but back in May, I moved 14 hours away from home, and haven't seen them since July. I'm sure that they'll be quite suprised when I see them in June!

I've always been "the chubby one"..."the big girl"..."the plus-size girl"...the "pretty girl, but...". I guess I really decided to do something about it on December 30, although my whole life has been a struggle. I remember my mom putting me on diets when I was younger - Herbalife in 9th grade, a gym membership in 8th grade for Christmas. Funny thing is, neither she nor I could stick with it.

She died at 38. That won't be me. (Sidenote: not weight related - illness related.)

I had an ex-boyfriend tell me the other day "Charity, you're a very pretty girl, you just need to lose a few pounds." And two kids at work told me I "had a big belly". (6 year olds..go figure. They tell it how it is!)

After a HORRIBLE day yesterday (almost ending things with my boyfriend out of spite and anger), I've calmed down and relaxed a bit. I'm sitting at my computer, finishing up a healthy breakfast of grapes and skim milk and realizing I overcame a big hurdle yesterday - I DIDN'T EMOTIONALLY EAT! Not one bite - in fact, I ate very healthily - fruit, milk, veggies, a nice big salad with lots of healthy fresh veggies and turkey for dinner. Lots of water. That's a defining moment for me - I'm an emotional eater. But that's changing.

Well. It's about that time that I close things for a bit - It's a new year, I'm going on a job interview (although I love my RN position at my pediatric hospital, I've gotten a very lucrative offer to be in management at another facility!), then I'm coming home to sleep some more - I've been so keyed up about things that I've barely slept in the last two days, and because I'm off today, it's, I think, going to be a lazy day. (Although I'll be eating good and not snacking!)

Oh yes, before I go - for those of you interested, my hospital is conducting a employee wide Biggest Loser Competition for all of us that I've signed up for. The winner takes all - a $500 prize. That's mine, baby. I'll be updating my progress, keep an eye out on my ticker in my signature!

Hiya, good luck with the weight loss, and welcome to the forum.

Day 3 -

Breakfast:
bowl of grapes
glass of skim milk

Lunch:
salad with turkey
green beans

Dinner:
1 cup lowfat cottage cheese
green beans
salad with tuna and turkey

...I have a tendency to get on a food kick - I'll eat a ton of one food and then not touch it for months. I've done that my entire life. Must be my obsessive-compulsive personality. I can't read a book without stopping on a rounded chapter number, I have to eat all I want of one food before moving on to the next...little things that drive me crazy.

Anyway. I'm incredibly excited that I'm doing so well during the beginning of my lifestyle change. I wish my personal life was in such great order - maybe someone can tell me what they think .... ha!

I started dating this guy (three weeks ago today, actually) who seems to be just amazing - he tells me I'm beautiful, we have a great time together, he makes me laugh, blah blah blah. There's a serious connection - one that he commented on before I ever did. If he's not with me, he's with his two little ones (he's got them 4 days/nights a week), works late the fifth day of the week, and on the nights we're not together, we're on the phone. Anyway. Not that that matters much. haha. Okay. Here's the big thing - he's in the middle of a nice, long, drawn out divorce that is finalized next month. Not that that's a huge deal...but. It's hard.

Anyway. Here's the part that frustrates me:
We met on match.com...and although we've been dating only each other, and last night we discussed how we only wanted to date each other, he still logs in to match. Now, yes, I know, you're going to say - "Well Charity, how would you know unless you were logged in, too?" Easy. My profile is hidden so people can't search or contact me. His is not.

So...here's the question that I want answered. Should I ignore it? I mean, we've only been seeing each other three weeks. I've mentioned it to him and he just says, "Oh, when I get an email notification that someone's messaged me, I log-in, but honey, you're everything I want." I guess maybe I'm just a little hesistant to relax because I got out of a three year relationship in 2005 that ended because I'd been cheated on and treated poorly, so I have a tendency to think the worst.

He's taken me to meet his family, I've spent time with his sons. He looks in my eyes when he speaks with me (a talent not many liars have perfected), and seems to speak from the heart.

Any input, anyone???

OH yes...I almost forgot. Last night, when he was here, I told him how I was starting to change how I eat and live and how my goal is to lose 45 lbs. His response?

"Charity, you are absolutely beautiful, no matter how much you weigh, but I support you 100% if that's what you want to do. I'd love you no matter what size you were."

Aaaww!

I'd say give the match.com thing a little while. Like you said, you've only been together 3 weeks, and just because he might be getting messages from others doesn't mean he's seeing them.

My hubby (well, sorta - not technically married, but might as well be) was in the process of getting divorced when we started dating - and he's pretty sure she cheated on him. It took him a long time to realize that I wasn't her - I wasn't going to cheat on him and I wasn't going to hurt him intentionally. We've been together six years as of yesterday - and he still has some trust issues. Give yourself (and him) some time to get over the thoughts that he must still be looking for someone else and enjoy your time together so far. I'm sure things'll be fine.

Congratulations on the loss so far, and good luck in your contest! Can't wait to get to know you better.

Your kind words almost brought a tear to my eye, just so you know! It's so nice to hear someone tell me that maybe I'm just being crazy...and you're right, just because he's there doesn't mean there's anyone else. It's just so hard to get out of a long relationship where you're cheated on (MULTIPLE TIMES! GR!) and into a relationship where you feel comfortable. When I've asked him about it, or gotten upset, he'll say, "Chare, please just talk to me when you're upset. Don't fly off the handle." hehe...I have a tendency to jump to conclusions!

Thanks for the congrats on the loss, too! I'm doing a 10 day First Fitness diet - I've done them before and it gives me SO much energy - and jumpstarts my metabolism. I wake up in the morning and look forward to weighing myself! haha. Tomorrow (day 4 of ten) is the first day that I'll measure since starting. I'll have to post my stats when I know them!

As for the contest - there is no choice, I am GOING to win! If I have to run eight thousand miles, that $500 will be mine!

And as a personal gain too...I moved to St. Louis in May .... 14 hours from my little hometown. I've been big my entire life - I'm going home in June for my little brother's graduation (it'll be 11 months since I've been home then! WOW!), and I'm gonna knock everyone's socks off. Hopefully be down to...ohhhh 180-ish. That's 62 more lbs...not infeasible, considering I've got a lot to lose!

You'll do it!

And I know the feeling. 2 years ago now I moved 15 hours away from my family. I get to go back about once a year, and my parents try to come out here once a year. They were here in October for my birthday, but I probably won't be back there until late spring/early summer, depending on if my parents don't move before then. I'd like to be at least at 170 or so by the time I see my parents again and I'd like to be at 145 or (maybe) less when I go back in August to do the pictures for a friend's wedding.

Can't wait to see the looks on everybody's faces. When they all saw me last, I was 217.

Good that is exactly what you wanna here...Im so glad he responded to you like that...With support like that form a significant other you will definately succeed...

Oh and who cares what the x said...focus on what the current man says and just make sure you are looosing weight for you...

Welcome to the forum...

Total loss since beginning:

4.5 lbs
6.75 inches total





~*~

I'm feeling great! Will update more later or tomorrow

those inches are awesome - congrats!

well done x

Charity-

Welcome to the forum! It sounds like you're doing great!

As for the Match thing, I'm with the others. I wouldn't worry about it - and just let whatever happens happen. Good luck!

Thanks all - I appreciate it so much!

Wow! You are doing so well! All those inches too. I haven't even measured mine. Maybe I will now. Congratulations on a great start in your diary.

Well all, it's been a banner day.

Uhm...kinda. hahahaha. I've kinda been...nauseated lately (my little kiddos at work have had the stomach bug - I hope I haven't caught it!), so I didn't eat much.

Breakfast:
Apple Cinnamon Nutrigrain bar
1 small carton of skim milk

Lunch:
Shrimp with Pasta and Veggies Lean Gourmet (260 cals)
1 cup lowfat cottage cheese

Dinner: (not eaten yet - I work night shift, so my "dinner" is the middle of the night!)
Three Cheese Ziti WW Meal - 290 cals
1 cup salad with tomatoes and mushrooms, probably with low-fat italian dressing
1 cup grapes

Hope all's well with all!