I put up my "now" photo. Yay! I took several and chose the one with the better posture. Altough it makes me look posed, I also look less blobby.

Yesterday was tough. I honestly have no clue how I made it through. Well, I do, but I definately surprised myself by holding out. I felt so lame and so weak the whole day that I'm honestly sure I should stay in today to avoid the world of temptation. Maybe it wasn't so positive, but it worked; I told myself that I would really be sorry and really hate myself tomorrow, which is true. I also pondered; maybe you're just thirsty ('cause I read somewhere that a lot of people think they are hungry when actually they are thirsty). I also kept reminding myself that I wasn't hungry -'cause I wasn't- and just make it until tomorrow and then decide how you feel.

I started my period today so that explained that most of the weepy-feeling-sorry-for-myself wasn't diet related at all. But then today I feel like a big crampy blob. bleh! One thing about this time of the month, doesn't matter how big or small I am, this is simply how I feel.

I'm a strong minded and willful (read stubborn) person, it's surprising what a hold something (anything) can have on you. I'm still getting this sense of urgency about eating. It's as if I'm thinking, I'd better eat it now because who knows where I'll be tomorrow and not able to have it. I might not be able to afford it, nor obtain it...it's the oddest paranoia. I swear I'm afraid of starving - as if!!

Yesterday I also found myself totally resenting people who were eating. I live in a big city so people are eating everywhere, on the train and walking down the streets - hustle bustle type thing. I seem to be able to pass by all the yummy things at each train stop and on my way to and from the train, in fact passing them intentionally I started to realize how often I would normally pop in and grab something and not recognize it as anything I've eaten - having lunch or dinner on top of whatever tasty thing I had previously tossed down.

On my way home yesterday I looked at the people in line at these places, lots of them. It's an easy habit to get into, stopping there, because it seems everyone's doing it.

So it seems there are a few reasons why I overindulge, more than I realized. Boredom, emotions, habit, paranoia... This whole concept is so strange for me because I was once such a health and fitness nut. this is an experience to say the least.

I know all the right things to do and yet...look at the state of me. I've come to resent myself. I feel like I failed myself somehow. I've become one of those people I used to look at sympathetically and say - it wouldn't take much for her to lose a few inches here and there and look oh-so much better. Well... I guess life has a way of teaching you things - ha!ha!

It's so odd how hard yesterday was when the day before was such a breeze. Ups and downs. Must the downs be so down?

If dieting were easy, none of us would be here.

You're gonna do great! The first few days are always hard, especially when you're surrounded with people who just don't care about what/how they eat. I've only been doing this a month, but things have gotten easier. They will get better, I promise!

thanks!