don't feel guilty for having a great time with your birthday week. just think of this way..i'll make it up next week, i'll walk 15 minutes more, or do 10 squats after each shirt i irone... hehe there are ways to help yourself being motivated, and one of them is writing more. write about things that upset you and what makes you happy, analyse a bit how you felt two weeks ago and now...where is the difference? is it just eating? is it just lack of exercise? because of it is that's easily fixed...by doing it.

as for the weight, of course you gain when you get your period. the most important thing is not giving up
and write down what the success will mean to you. i believe this will help you. that first post i made in my diary helps me all the time whenever i feel down, i reread that list of why i want to lose weight and why a part of me wants to sabotage me.

put a smile on crocus and head for the new you Lena

I'm back under 220. Just barely, 119.8.

I haven't been bad, but I haven't been here, so you (and I) can't measure how good I've been.

Exercise has proven to be a bigger health obstacle than anticipated. I really need to see another doc to get my heart monitored and see if there's anything she can do to adjust my meds so that I can do something mild and not be afraid of a heart attack.

I've been doing little things to make better choices. I take healthy snacks with me, which has invariably saved me from bying something on the go that isn't in line with my goals.

I decided that I did actually feel deprived so I bought some low-calorie chocolate pudding. It's made a huge difference. I'm happily substituting it for anything else that is chocolatey, so that was a small stroke of genius.

My appetite came back which was good, and I can still have a say over it, which is also good, but there was a week where I noticed I sabotaged my goals everyday. It was "just a little" - but it was everyday, and that's how it starts, and that's where it holds me back.

I'm still not happy with my ability to portion control. I started out fabulous but I have sank back into the idea that - it's just vegetables, it won't hurt.

Not being able to exercise has been a ...

It's snowing!!!

Not being able to exercise has been an emotional block for me. I'm not sure how to conquer this block. I often feel like: if I can't do my exercise of choice (jogging) then I won't do anything at all. Being limited to isosemetric exercises makes me feel like I'm wasting me time, there's some calorie burning going on of course, but real fat burning comes from cardio. I really need to find a way to change my head where this is concerned.

Not making progress, but not going backward, which was also part of the plan. Part of the new plan is to stay in touch here because it does appear to help my outlook.

Well its good to have you back i'm sorry youre feeling unhappy. i wish i can post some of my positivity with you
stay on here, maybe it will motivate you more...or at least help you with controlling your portions. you can do it.

Lena

Thanks Lena! Nice to see you're still here making progress! Yay! you!

I have a semi-rhetorical question: Why do I become ill when I go on a "diet"?

I honestly feel it's psychosematic (sp?). This is the third time I've taken time to renew my committment - not that it slipped all that much thankfully - but to prevent any slipping, and this is the third time I've become ill. So ill that I need antibiotics!

I don't want my weightloss to be a result of a series of illnesses brough about by my phyche feeling poorly.

I had read somewhere that fat cells store toxins and when one looses weight the toxins get released into your system and you can become ill or feel unwell.

Maybe I'm under nourished and my body gets ill. Or maybe, like I said before, I think I'm under nourished so I think myself ill. Or maybe I've had bad luck this year.

I found a new doctor so at least I can report to her that I've made some progress since January in this area. It's all an illusion.

As motivated as I am most days, it's odd that the spring-like days demotivate me. I feel like I haven't lost enough and I so wanted to be slimmer for the spring clothes. I wanted to go shopping for new (smaller) spring clothes. I have goals and I feel a million miles away from reaching them.

I'm a weight loss illusionist.

Okay, okay, after posting this I think I have to admit to myself that I'm feeling down and not motivated and feeling like less of a person because of my modest success and still being overweight. It's one thing - of which I have control - and I don't/can't/won't control it. The down side is that feeling like this makes me want to put food in my mouth - it's a vicious circle.

I want to do some things and I've been putting them off until I'm thinner, and right about now I'm hating that I've put this condition on my fun. It's like I use my weight as an excuse to not do things that I want to do, or think I want to do.

I think a psychiatrist would sort this out rather quickly - or a self-help book.

I remember writing in an earlier diary entry that I know why (and how) I gained this weight but I have no idea how to process it and move past any psychological barriers. I believe it's another vicious circle.

I've become the fat girl in the group. I never was that girl before. But then I'll be the girl who lost all the weight, and while I want to be thin I hate to think I'll be that girl as well.

I think I never realised how many facets of my life have been affected by being overweight. It seems a bit overwhelming to deal with at the moment.

I'm feeling much better and what a difference that makes!

I have refocused. Instead of simply feeling good that I’ve stayed on my eating plan, and not gained, I need to achieve a physical goal. Because the physical goal IS the whole point - and it’s not happening.

So I’m going to set goals that are absolutely tangible.

I think the thing which prevented me from making goals like this in the past was I didn’t know what was reasonable, which I now see as a lazy excuse to not make goals. I still don’t know what is reasonable, so I’m going to take a stab in the twilight and say:

3lbs a week the first month 1.5 kg a week 12lbs in 4 weeks.

So, on DAY 106 I should weigh 107kg (WOULDN’T THAT BE FAB!!!)
Is this ambitious? I hope so. I want to impose more discipline on myself and making ambitious and difficult to attain goals might just do it. I even feel really motivated just seeing what the result could be!!

I’m also going to weigh myself on Fridays instead of Mondays as it seems I have more discipline during the week than on the weekends -which should also change if I want to meet my goals - but Fridays seems so much less dreadful than Mondays so I’ll make the change regardless.

I’ve got a floor exercise plan that is totally doable and I need only do it more often. It’s 60 minutes of stretching and isometric movements meant to tone. Normally I do about 15 minutes and stop, for no good reason. I will walk at least 30 uninterrupted minutes every day – and never include my walk to the train station or normal daily routine as part of the exercise regime. When I get my heart medication sorted out, I’ll add riding my bike. That should happen after Easter, so possibly by week 4.

This is my 4 week plan. It’s not enough to stick to the plan I need to make physical progress.

Physical change is what I'm after!

good for you for having a plan. i'm sure you can do whatever you set your mind to. since i started i lost 20 pounds (9kg), and i started on january 5 maybe not a lot to someone, but to me its huge. and the point is i'm not really that hungry. but i'm more aware of what my mind is going through emotionally just to get that comfort food. sometimes i give in, but mostly i don't.
exercise is not only for getting a body...to me it has become an outlet for all the negativity i collect during the day. there are times when i don't feel like going, but i'm always extremely happy when i make myself go anyway.

so just keep focused, and when you feel like you're losing yourself, come on here and vent, write around, give some support. it will help you.

Lena

Been a while since I posted. I was totally demotivated by hovering around 117 and 119 for several months.

I did something different, not planned but just different. I started making small changes. Really small. So small I didn't really notice until someone asked.

No chocolate and no sweets: I achieved this by simply cutting back and replacing with fruit, now it's exclusively fruit. No icecream, I switched to yogurt then to lowfat yogurt, and now whatever it is I eat can hardly be called a dairy product! ha! ha! From 3 cups a day to 3 cups a week of coffee, sweetner instead of sugar. Pizza? what's that?

It's not like I was overdoing it but it was enough to sustain my weight and well... the point was to reduce and even the small indulgences I was allowing weren't in line with my goals.

I also eat a lot less bread. I cut out pasta altoghter a couple of years ago. I was really sure I would die a slow and painful death without pasta, but I haven't and it hasn't even been that painful. I had tried the Atkins diet and when I went off the Atkins diet and ate bread and pasta again, I was keenly aware of my bodies reaction to these products. It didn't like them. So I stopped pasta and only ate bread a couple times a week and I feel much better. I suppose it's possible I have an allergy - or so I have read - but I've never had it tested.

Okay, so now Christmas is nearing and sweets are in the office more and more, which is Okay, until someone brings cake. That seems to be the one thing I can't keep my fingers away from. I love cake. I think I did pretty well yesterday though, I took a small slice, took 3 bites of the best bits and then bravely trashed the rest of it. I think I felt okay about it, but part of my still feels deprived. It's those two sides fighting with each other.

My exercise hasn't changed much. Except maybe that I finally have a fairly comfortable pair of work shoes which enables me to walk more often. I live in a big city so I take the train everywhere and I can opt to walk more or less depending on weather and energy. It's been nice to walk more. Still, I'm not very strong.

I think it's worth the little extra money to join the fittness studio for 3 months. I really don't trust myself to change my lifestyle and commit to a 1 or 2 year contract. I know from experience that my motivation wanes after a couple of months. Funny that because in my early 20s I was a Gym-fanatic. I clocked a lot of hours there and could totally kick-ass on the stairmaster and buns of steel aerobic class. Ahh, those were the days - youth and energy!

I'm trepiditious about breaking my 117-119 cycle. I'm glad of course, but because I was hanging around that weight for so long I'm suspicious about how long it will last, now that I feel I've escaped that weight category. I think that if I keep losing steadily my suspicion will fade, but we'll see.

I think 26 lbs in 11 months is really fantastic and I don't feel like I failed at all. The new year is coming and the recent break from my plateau has given me new motivation. 26 pounds! That's almost 30.. that's a lot!!

Woo hoo!

This site is fab...except...

I have been really happy about my loss. I like losing only a few kilos then converting it to pounds and seeing the BIG LOSS! I'm from the US so I function better in pounds, but being in Germany I'm forced to suffer learning to use kilos - it's not so bad really.

UNTIL... one thing I haven't done is convert my whole weight to pounds. I was using my thumb and calculated that 1KG is about 2LBs. Although when it comes to loss, I want the exact number and I can see it's not a 1:2 ratio. I've avoided the total weight calculation for quite some time.

I was reading some other diaries and looking at pics and stuff and for some reason I decided to calculate my overall weight. That was a mistake and a huge demotivator.

Motivation comes and goes with the wind. Check back with me after my cappuccino and I might have a different mindset, but right now I'm kinda bummed.

Does anyone else have this problem? When I was thin I thought I looked fat, and when I'm fat I'm totally in denial about just how fat I actually am. It's like reverse body-image problem... or maybe that exactly IS what a body image problem is.

Ah well - a reality check may not feel good, but at least I can process the information and deal with it.

Today is another good day.


I don't know how my body fluctuates so much. One day I'm 114.9,kg the next day I'm 116.1kg, the next I'm 115.6kg. It's much like the plateau behavior I had, but this is only one week, not 4 months.

I used to think weighing myself everyday was a bad idea. But it helps keep me motivated. If it motivates me then I should do it. I only count the Sundays weight, but I like to see it everyday regardless.

It's amazing how easy it is to resist things now. It was easy before, but took some work, now it's more automatic. When somehting is not good for meeting my goals so I simply say no. It's not always easy, but I'm thankful that the easy times are the norm.

I really thought I couldn't live without chocolate. I can.

I really thought I couldn't do without bread (ie sandwich) everyday. I can.

I really thought that life without pasta would be painful. I've survived.

I thought I'd get hungry. I'm satiated.

I feel really okay - most of the time - with what I'm doing. It's lonely sometimes but I'm doing it for me, not for others, so lonely it must be.

Oprah said it best: "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Last evening was tough. I had to meet clients at the pub - their request to meet there. They were eating potato wedges and sloppy yummy smelling food and it was driving me nuts. They offered me fries and wedges and chips... ugh - it was painful.

I perservered. I was nearly, literally, drooling, but I didn't take a taste, not one. I was soooooo good.

Is that being good?

I handled it well, I just said no thanks and left it at that, instead of apologising that I was on a diet and making a fuss over them eating all that highly desireable comfort food in front of me.

I had a light-cider which I managed to make last 2 hours, then a mineral water then I was really glad to be out of there!!

I went home to face another challenge - it was about 10:30pm, my appetite had been stimulated beyond reason and I was tired so my resistance might be weak. There I was and about to get off at my train stop where... I have to walk past a McDonalds, a Turkish Döner yummy shop, and a pizza vendor... it's like diet hell around here I tell ya!

I knew if I made it past those places I would be home free.

I did, and I was - so... another challenge overcome - I'M really happy for myself. YAY me!

So... on to another day of successes for me!

I had a good day.

I fell down some stairs at the train and nobody stopped to see if I was okay or help. That wasn't the good part.

The good part is that I stuck to my plan. I walked 3 miles. After yesterdays' walk I noticed today that my legs were sore - that has to be a sign of a work out! ha! ha!

I felt slimmer today, around the waist. I dunno why, I'm surely not.

I noticed that I look in the mirror more often, looking for changes. My clothes have become baggy which is good for winter so I can wear warm things underneath without changing my wardrobe.

I adjusted my bra yesterday and when I wore it today it made me look different, maybe my boobs being in the right place helped my waist appear slimmer... or rather that I HAVE a waist. Tee hee....

Like before when I refocused, I find that in every spare moment when my attention isn't focused on work or cats or laundry or whatever, I'm thinking about food and what I'll eat if I'm a bad girl.

I daydream of comfort foods like potatos and big bulging drippy burgers... the veg-heads will be repulsed, but I'm a carnivore, so it is. My sweet tooth has stayed in check, which is WONDERFUL because that's my biggest weakness.

Oh, and some lady brought me a lunch plate today. I thanked her and told her I was on a diet. I sniffed at the food, but then tossed it when she was well away from where she could see me doing it. I felt badly for wasting the food and at the same time glad I didn't eat it.

Everything seems okay so far, I'm happy with my progress.

It's the weekend!! The weekends are easiest for me because I can stay home and not go out and smell tempting things.

I've got 3kg to go to meet my extra-short-term goal and I think I can do it.

There was a lot of temptation this week.

I had two bad things happen, 1st I got bad news that my godmother had passed away and the 2nd was that I fell down some stairs and not a single person stopped to help me even though I was clearly hurt. I'm still appalled by that incident

Through those two things I somehow stuck to my plan and didn't comfort eat.

I also surpassed a previous limit. Before I was only able to be good for 10 days and on the 10th day I had to cheat. I've been good for 12 days now and I'm really happy. I'm also happy with the result of being good.

I'm meant to go to a party this evening. The hostess is rather generous and I'm hoping that my only crime is a glass of wine - but if she has THAT cheese, I might die trying to fight the temptation. I really should skip it but it would be rude and undiplomatic considering she's a business contact.

Next Friday I have to have lunch with clients, which I've been mentally preparing for since last month. I don't know where we will go so I don't know if I can get away with having just a soup. They know I'm American and I can only hope that they don't decide to go to an American resturant or steak house in my honor, which happens occaisionally. After that seminar there is a birthday/going away party for a beloved colleague at a pub... dangerous time for me next Friday. I can only do my best, and certainly be good until then!!

I just wanted to add by repeating how much weighing myself everday motivates me.

I have the expected fluctuation throughout the day, less in the morning, more in the evening and such.

For example, yesterday, on my way home, I was tired and cranky and would like to grab something covered in cheese and fried on the way ome, but knowing that I could weigh myself when I got home and wanting to see a good result helped keep me from succombing to the impulse.

You know, actually, that kind of food doesn't even appeal to me anymore. It's like death in a paper bag for 5.99. There are other tempting foods which I have to walk past on my way home, but that isn't one of them.

hey you its nice to see you posting again. i wasn't here for a while because i didn't find much time to do it by moving to budapest and just a lot on my mind. and i did get out of balance for a while, now i'm fighting to get back on track with myself. i didn't gain any weight in process but i did not lose either. and that was very bad for my mind. i'm still having problems with myself but hopefully that will pass soon.

i'm glad you're doing great. just keep doing it. you know you can do it
Lena

I went to the part. I brought my own non-surgary non-alcoholic drink and that worked out well. I just happened upon it at the supermarket, it's for diabetics. It was yum.

The food at the party was served all at once and EVERYONE ate, it was nearly like a dinner so I was forced to have something. It would have been inappropriate not to. So I nibbled - nothing to be ashamed of at all.

However...

I weighed myself this morning and had gained 3kg. That's 6.6 pounds!! How the hell does anyone gain 6.6 pounds overnight?!! I didn't eat more than a handfull of something made with rice so I find it really difficult to understand how my body managed to gain such an extreme amount of weight!

I HOPE this is one of those fluctuations for which they say weighing everday is a bad idea. But 6.6 pounds!?!?! Unbelievable! Simply astounding!

I'm hoping it's all water from that strange new juice type stuf I was drinking last night.

Ah well... we'll see how it is later in the day.

Oh, and I woke up to snow this morning - I knew it was cold waiting for the train last night, but I didn't expect it to snow!

Ciao for now.