one bit rings true for me, with regards to wanting to stay fat. i dont mind being fat becuase i dnt constantly have to deal with creepy men chatting me up. i dont like people chattin me up im just not that type of person. ive never met a person and got with them sraigt away. all my exes i met randomly, through freinds, or whatever, and was a freind with them until we both went oh wait, lets go furthur. so i guess when i do lose weight ill have to deal with it. or perfect the "piss off ill kick your balls if you talk to me" look.

Here's a bit from one of my experiences. When I was a Freshman in college I ballooned up to my (then) heaviest weight of 245 lbs. I was having a difficult time with my girlfriend (she wanted out) and she decided that she would spend the summer away as a camp counsellor. So I went to live with my Sister and Brother-in-law, far away from home, helping them to fix up an old house they had purchased.

They let me stay for some of my labor and I got a job for some cash. My Sis and BIL are very trim and healthy, runners, cross-country skiers, health food folk. They convinced me to try to take the summer as an opportunity to get healthy and lose weight. So I did. With their help and support I lost a lot of weight. They were very proud of me. When I got back to College I weighed 184. Everybody was dazzled by the change, it was like a sudden change to them because at the end of may I was my fat, jovial self, then the next time they saw me (late August) I was at my ideal weight.

After everybodies initial positive reactions there was a weird time when nobody seemed comfortable around me. Here's what some of the comments were when I got home.

Mother and Sisters: "You look too thin, like you've been sick"

My Fat, Dweeb Male Friends: "You don't look like you anymore, I don't know how to relate to you."

My Hot Women Friends: "We can't study/lunch/shoot-the-breeze together anymore, because my boyfriend doesn't believe something isn't going on between us...when you were fat he trusted me." (That one hurt).

My Thin, Handsome Best Friend: "You've changed, it used to be like you were my sidekick, my Costello, my Sancho Panza, my fat friend that by comparison made me look good...now you are competition."

The worst, as it turned out was my girlfriend who was suddenly very into me. That was the most hurtful because it belied how little she cared for me, apart from appearences. Of course I only see THAT in retrospect. (I married and later divorced her.)

But everybody treated me differently, cashiers flirted with me, my friends didn't know how to take me any more. Of course I got lots of attention, but a whole new set of problems. I'd be fibbing if I said that's why I quickly gained even more weight back. That had more to do with being out of the supportive environment than anything, but I've never forgotten how the experience of suddenly being thin was very different from how I had imagined it to be.

So I sort of understand how women must feel, using fat as a shield. It works really good! It takes a lot of courage to step out from behind the obesity and deal with all of the many reactions that people around you will have. But I'm willing to give it another try!

David C

People change, you can't be afraid to improve because you're worried about others. I once feared changing because of other people but people change, grow and there is nothing wrong with that.

I'd also like to say that this article is very usefull and strikes home with me and it is very good to address these issues. When you read them it sounds stupid but when you are secretly thinking some of these things you don't even realize.

After I read this article I started crying. There are many reasons why I would want to stay fat... but there are reasons I think I am finally ready to lose this weight. However, the reasons for each side seem to conflict with each other.

I am feeling very conflicted today

People can be so jealous/cruel/competitive. They say the best way to get back at someone is to live well. I think these people felt threatened by you and thats why they acted the way they did.

im fat because i had low self worth
i acted funny to take away from the fact that im that fat guy
im fat because i had the thoughts that nothing i ever did was good enough

that shits changing

I think you're right. The people around you, your support network, is comfortable with you when you're fat, particularly when you've always been fat. When you change, it does shake things up. People, even the ones who love you don't always know how to deal with that.

It almost seemed like my success made them more conscious of their own problems that they needed to deal with. Rather than face their own demons they cut me down to make themselves feel better, I suppose.

It was just unexpected, I was so happy I finally got in shape and wonder of wonders, it didn't make all my problems go away.

I really believe that chronic, lifelong obesity is not a disease, it is a symptom. The disease is deeper and obesity is a coping mechanism. IMO

David C

That's a great idea! Why not just turn it around to -

I could lose weight so much easier if I just had more company in the same boat as me so I am going to say to someone, "Hey, let's go for a walk in the mornings together."

You have the power to make a change for yourself. Don't wait for someone else to come along & do it for you, because they probably won't!

This was a great post. I never really though of the idea that I might be "holding on to fat". I actually thought a bit after reading this and realized that my two serious relationships started when I was heavier and I eventually lost weight about two years into each one of them (which I am doing now after three years with my current bf - I started dropping weight after about two years, and am going all the way now). It is almost like (in my head) love is more genuine when it is not based on "the body" or sex. I think it is all in my head though, to be honest.

As for attracting people, I tried to think about this a bit and I think that, for myself, I do attract more people when I am thinner, but not necessarily because I am "hotter" (most of the time people cannot even tell that I have lost so much wieght until it is really a drastic amount), but because I feel better and sexier, therefore, invite the attention without really looking for it. Why not try to change saying that "creepy guys start being attracted to you" into something positive like: I feel so good about myself that men notice my force and confidence, and therefore, find me more attractive. You are not obligated to talk to any creeps...just take the compliment and move along...lol.

The case is the same for men. I take confidence over tight abs any day, and a man with confidence is something that I am attracted to without really realizing it --- all my opinion and taste, by the way --- I find that a guy with confidence has something that I cannot quite put my finger on, so maybe it boils down to our primiive urge to be with the "alpha" - and I think this works for women who own their bodies and are confident. When you start taking control of your body with diet and excercise - you own it, and everything you put on it and the way it moves .

So let's try to release the fear and remember that we have to clear our heads and own our feelings and bodies! That is sexy!

I think that really relates to me, in every way. I read something like that in a magazine article and I started to cry. Because the truth was so vivid, and harsh.

I agree--I am afraid to lose the weight. When I was in my early 20s I lost a ton of weight, and I was in the best shape of my life. I was also depressed and miserable. I kept having risky, unprotected sex with anyone who wanted to, whether I wanted to or not, and was abusing alcohol and other drugs. I gained the weight back, and have been less anxious and happier. Now I am married, older, and more secure. I wonder if I would be able to lose again without losing my joy of life, and without feeling in constant danger from men looking at me. I am very afraid.

About twice a year, a friend of mine organizes a clothes-swap and invites all her female friends to bring all the clothes they want to get rid of, and we all trade them with each other...they're usually decent, just things that for various reasons the women don't wear anymore, and instead of throwing them out, we're helping out each other. I've scored some nice shirts and stuff that way, although pants are a different story. I've found going thrifting is a great way to get some clothes for cheap while I'm losing weight, or hitting up the clearance racks - you can find cute stuff there sometimes.

oh my god......i never saw it that way.....this has really opened my eyes to why i chose to remain hefty......

I think there are several underlying reasons that I have a hard time losing weight, and the article definitely hit a sore spot.

- I'm afraid that I'll fail. Period. I'm afraid I'm just not strong enough to succeed in the ways that I want to.

- I'm afraid that maybe I'll succeed, but that I'll have to get closer and reveal myself to people when I become more approachable. Part of me is severely attached to the mysterious aloof persona I've cultivated my whole life, and the introvert in me depends on it. I'm afraid that I'll be constantly accosted by friendly, well-intentioned society who wants to make friends when a lot of the time, I would rather be independent and go my own way.

- I'm afraid that I'll succeed in losing the weight, but even after all the hard work and sacrifice that I still won't be fit enough to compete and do the things I want to do, like naval flight school. The things I want to do don't just require me to lose a good amount of weight, they require a physical readiness a lot of fit people can't accomplish. What good is being skinny if I can't achieve my larger, big-picture goals?

- I'm afraid that losing weight will open me up to relationships, which will open me up to commitment and rejection. I have always been the person to end a relationship because I can't stand the thought of someone ending one with me. I drive people away before they have the chance to do it first.

- I'm afraid if I lose weight, I still won't be as feminine or beautiful as I'd like to be. I've always been the tomboy chubby girl. I don't want to be that anymore, but I'm not sure I can figure out how to be anything else.

Wow, this is written with women totally in mind.

This says nothing for me as a guy... and those certainly weren't the reasons. Truth was, it was easy to eat shit foods. Quick, readily Available, and so damn tasty...

I did this change when I was going through a divorce but already had been in a new relationship. She liked me the way I was, I didn't and knew I could do better (oh yeah, and a kid said the back of my neck looked like a package of hot dogs pretty much sent me overboard).